My Vietnamese Girl ♥

Buong loob at taos puso akong nagpapasalamat kay Lord for this week! J I’m forever grateful for those moments. *I want to faint* hahaha! Yeah, yeah , I know, I’m overreacting. This heart of mine is unbelievably overreacting but happy J. It’s been 4 years since I felt “in-love”. So please, walang kokontra ok? I allowed myself to be happy and in-love and with that is vulnerability to get hurt. Thus, bahala na si batman!

I’m not sure if I’ve been so good lately. Maybe the odds are in favor of me. But what I’m sure of is God is great, He let these things happenJ. Now I’m about to share, my “unexpected” JT experience. ♥

It was a toxic Tuesday afternoon, and I don’t feel productive at all. Never ending emails, calls, requests, texts, and I just finish my first report for the week. Officemates, Ross and Debe are about to go home, but before they left, they approached me and brought the good news: JT is just a few steps away from me (MR sya, field person kaya I seldom see him in the officeJ) I was like, all smiles and giddy all of sudden. I didn’t get to chance to talk to him right away, because he was talking to the Marketing team. But I will never forget those moments, I saw him checking on my table if I’m still there! Happened twice! Hahaha! (I was away from my table, and I saw him, from my peripheral view! Or possible na assuming lang ako? Hahaha!) then finally he approached me. The usual chit-chat. Then this happened next:

JT approached Nica

JT:  Pwede bang buksan yung aircon dito?

Nica: (laughing) Naku, ang aircon dito naka-time. From 6am-6pm lang. Tsaka di ba may sira yung aircon, yun aircon lang sa new pantry ang working.

JT: Ay ganun, ang init dun sa meeting room eh, mag-work sana ako.

Nica: Gusto mo ng fan? Meron ako. Pwede mong hiramin.

JT: Talaga? Hindi mo ba gagamitin?

Nica: Hindi na, alis na rin ako in a while.

JT: Thank you ah, iwan ko na lang sa table mo.

Nica: Sure, sure J

Finally, I went home and I dreamt about him ♥

In my dreams: The following day, I got to office only to find out he DID NOT returned my fan in my table, as agreed. Nainis pa raw ako! So I went back to the meeting room where he worked the day before. There I found my fan and JT sleeping inside the meeting room! Hahahahaha! I woke him up and asked him “Bakit dito ka natulog?”  He told me “nakatulog ako, ang dami ko kasing tinapos na work eh” Then I woke up on a Wednesday morning, time to hit the road and go to work.

On my way to work I was wondering why he didn’t text me that he left the fan in my table that Tuesday night (hindi naman ako assuming-gf, pero sometimes ksi ganun sya J). I was kinda hoping he’ll left a thank you note on my table. Unfortunately, I expected too much. I found the fan in my table, he did return it. But it was just my fan. No thank you notes or what so ever. Oh well, at least he returned the fan and did not slept in the meeting room, like what happened in my dream. Hahahaha! We have a whole day training that day, so I’ll be gone for the whole day. I was cleaning my table and was about to put back my fan in my drawer when I saw something in the back of my fan. At first I thought “balat ba to ng candy? At nag-iwan pa sya ng kalat sa fan ko???”  but when I took off that thing, it was a key chain, a Vietnamese girl ♥♥♥

Everything stopped, I'm not sure if I wanted to scream, or laugh, or dance, or anything just to release the my overwhelming emotions!!! but of course I can’t J hahahaha! I want to faint sa sobrang kilig at saya ko. J J J I never thought he could be that sweet! ♥ all the while, the thank-you-thing was just sitting in my desk, waiting for me to discover it! ♥ lalalalalala! Kilig-hang over na talaga to J

So instead of him thanking me, I ended up sending him this message: “Good morning Torres! Thank you sa pasalubong! Ü hindi ko agad napansin, akala ko nag-iwan ka pa ng balat ng candy sa fan ko. Haha! Ü” (I got used calling him Torres, way back to 2009. We used to call each other’s last names! Hahahaha!) Then he replied “Hahaha! Have a nice day!”  Gusto ko syang replyn ng nice day lang? My God, I’m having the most-kilig-moments of my life! Hahaha! #angartekolang J

Moving on, from my previous blog, I mentioned this:

My ultimate JT experience did not stop there. I managed to pull off a part two of that sweet moment, but my treat this time (oh yes, diskarteng-marina!) I just wish he’ll be as stubborn like me. Again I have something to look forward to, but also reason to get hurt.

http://nicanixcorpuz.blogspot.com/2012/04/100th-day-of-jt-experience.html

Oh yes, he remembered it! Hahaha! Siningil nya na ko. But as usual, our schedules won’t meet. So ipunin ko na raw muna J lalala ♥

In everything that happened, honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of breaking away from this happiness. And this bliss I’m feeling? It’s not permanent nor won’t guarantee future with him. I don’t know what I am getting into. Oh well, maybe it’s best not to care. I’m happy ♥

100th day of JT experience ♥

Waiting in vain and the agony of patiently waiting for that day to come.  Yes, it did! J It was fast and unexpected, blissful and colourful though. Wish we can time travel; I can tour you in the 100^th day of waiting ♥

It was Friday, last day of a long dreadful week and I was still having a bad day. More irritated, I received a message on a lunch break (some people are just so insensitive, not thinking I also know how to have lunch) but the minute I saw his name, (*sigh*) I had to bit my lip to hid my sweet-secret smile. (so let’s strike this:some people are so insensitive not to think I also know how to have lunch) It’s been quite a while since I saw him or even hear from him. The same reason I asked him “Resigned ka na ba? Hindi kasi kita nakikita eh J” For the nth time, there goes on the long-asaran-kulitan times which ended in meeting up the following day, Saturday??? Yes! Apparently, I agreed to go to office on a weekend and the supposed start of a 10-day vacation. Press release: I have tons of works to do (which is true); despite of the “me-going-to-office-on-a-Saturday” idea doesn't sound so great. Mortal sin indeed, because: this is a volunteer work! We have no overtime pay and the company will not put up a shrine or rebulto for me. So what motivated me? You ♥

Finally! The much-awaited, long overdue Bonchon-treat/bayad-utang/secret date! (last description applies just for me. haha). Yes! This is it! I was so thrilled; I can’t imagine how Saturday will be. I find it hard to sleep, thinking of what will happen on that day. (crossing all my fingers) thinking of what to wear. I opted for jeans-shirt-flops-that-shows-your-curve, √√√! Checking and how do I look and smell. Haha! Of course not to let him know the obvious: I went to office because of him. PLUS the biggest fear of the day, he might not show up. Around 10am, I texted him and got the response few minutes before 2pm. I already missed lunch, wishing we can have lunch together. But he didn’t texted that we are going to meet up, unfortunately it was my biggest fear, “Hi Mayna, Hindi ako sigurado kung aabutan kita jan ha ö. May konting errands lang” My world came tumbling down. I was hurt. I committed a big no-no, I expected from him. He did not promise to me nor commit anything. I volunteered to waste my time & effort to go to work and see him. And that makes me so vulnerable in getting hurt. I was working on some reports that very moment but my mind and heart were shattered. I was thinking how did I let that happened? And am I really hurting? Why? I do not want to blame him, there’s no one to blame. The same he's off to an 11pm flight for an out-of-the-country personal trip and has to be in the airport by 7pm. So end of the road, it’s not gonna happen. It’s not meant for now or not meant at all, I convinced myself.

Thanks to Eunice and Rhema, they give me courage to move along. Encouraged me to finish my work and go home by 4pm whether he can’t make it. I focused my mind on my work while my heart kept hurting. After 2 hours, he texted me again asking how am I doing. I wanted to tell him, “you just broke my heart” of course I didn’t tell him that! (though, I wish I could! haha) I answered calmly, took a while to reply so he would think I was busy-bee working my ass off! I was actually busy cursing him! After a few exchange of texts, I gave up, I guess it was bound not to happen at all. May be God has other plans. I suddenly felt contented; at least I was one of the few persons he talked before he left. (Consuelo de bobo for myself. ugh)

Suddenly he texted, “I can make it in an hour. May alternative ba yun Bonchon mo? Gusto mo soup?”. I did not want to believe him and he might get late for his flight. But he insisted J so I was like, I’m gonna faint, faint, faint! I was so happy, I cannot contain my happiness, and I danced! (kahit nakikita ako sa CCTV camera sa office. Hahaha!) because we can’t make it to Bonchon and I’m not really a fan of it, he picked me up at office went to the nearest Starbucks! Woohoo! And yes, I was able to send my friends a message as it happens! It was fairly a 30-minute ride and we went back to office.

I was happy and it lingers. ♡ I thank God for that moment, it was sweet. ♡

My ultimate JT experience did not stop there. I managed to pull off a part two of that sweet moment, but my treat this time (oh yes, diskarteng-marina!) I just wish he’ll be as stubborn like me. J Again I have something to look forward to, but also reason to get hurt.

Like any other sweet experience, there’s always the down side of it. He was afraid that people will spot us together. And it hit me, the reason he parked a bit further from the main gate when he picked me up and wished he gets first before his friends do. Sabi nya “baka sabihin may kasama akong chicks” then he smiled at told me, “sabay na tayo bumaba”. I shrugged it off and just toyed with the idea. Then I realize, maybe he’s seeing somebody else and he didn’t want to be seen with me because of the plain and simple reason that he just doesn’t like to be seen with me. L And again, I shrugged it off. I want to believe that he was protecting me and not himself. Why? There’s a part two of the JT experience to find out J

There goes my novela, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Hahaha! J Now, no more denials and inhibitions, this is not just a simple high school crush. I mean, do high school students keep tabs on their crush, more like of stalking? J where in the world he’s right now? Oh boy. I'm supposed to sacrifice that part for holy week. I just can't really help myself. Despite of several warnings from Kit, "walang patutunguhan yan pon".

Hell to that, all I can say is, I’m in love ♡

PS. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to get hurt. L

prisoner of time

wow. i wrote this blod last year. hahaha.

God only knows the last time I fell in love or I felt I was loved by someone. It's always tragic when I fall in love, felt like I was jinxed to love the wrong person or at the wrong time. It hurts even more, all of them had moved on and I'm still stuck here with myself, alone. I'm constant failure whenever I tried to look for someone who would need me as much I need him. I don't understand what's wrong. Before the friendship even start I already lost him. Is it me? The way I look? The way I talk? Express myself? Am I intimidating? Or my attitude overwhelms people? Am I being too pushy? It pains me, especially now I know I'm ready for a relationship. I'm not getting any younger. I want to love someone and I want him to love me. I want to get hurt because I'm in love. I wanted to sacrifice things for him and him for me. I wanted to learn from him and he would learn things from me, and because those of things he would love me among anything else. I wanted to feel those kilig moments and spent the night talking to him. I wanted to wake up smiling, thinking the things we talked about the night before and start a conversation all over again. I wanted to be selfless for that special person. I wanted to find another best friend, brother, shopping buddy, text mate, chat mate, protector, and family in him. I wanted to find myself in him. Unfortunately, something doesn't permit me to do these things. Lately, fate is not giving in with me. I've been praying so hard for someone. But no matter how I pray, hope and try to see myself with someone, I always end up being alone.

Sometimes, I think I'm not good enough. How come other people easily find someone else? And there are people who easily give up with their relationship? It saddens me a lot, to see people let the relationship break apart. These thoughts have been bothering me for a quite a while now. It's not just the longing but the agony of waiting. It's easy for people to say, your time will come for the right guy. It's not easy to wait while everyday you face the bigger and tougher world alone. I'm not as strong as everyone think. I cry alone. Not showing to everyone how weak and vulnerable I am, because I'm trying very hard to avoid pitying myself not just for being alone but for being in this situation. Stuck, alone, prisoner.

I'm tired of saying happiness is a choice. I don't even understand how can I give advice to friends, where am I getting those pieces of advice, when I don't even feel those feelings. Now I know I'm not happy. I'm ok, I'm good but I'm not happy. Everything has been an entire routine for me. After this blog, I'll be in church thanking God for hell week that had passed, praying for so many things, praying the someday you'll come for me. And the next morning, I'll be waiting again, until to the next day, and next day and until to next lifetime. Very tiring...  

i missed the most

I love browsing old pictures, friends’ birthdays, fiestas, graduations, JS proms, reunions and even break-up reunions. I always end up smiling and laughing while looking at those. It talks about a lot of stories and memories of history I made with old friends. Thank God for pictures, memories are still vivid and I can still look back and reminisce with those treasured memories. This hobby of taking back to the past, never fails to make me miss my old friends so so so bad. Finding time to be with them is such an effort.  Sometimes seeing them twice or thrice a year has been a luxury. Good thing, we treasure every millisecond we’re together. Took pictures like it’s the first time we took our pictures together. Every time we see each other time flies so fast, before we know it we’re headed back to our own routines. It is always “bitin” to our endless stories and “chikas”.

I wish I can travel back to the old days. The old times I don’t worry much about tomorrow. Matapos lang ang isang exam or quiz, may it be all kinds of paper, thesis or activity, that means celebration already. I miss the old times, when I laugh & cry, feel happy & sad, face and withstand problems, start and grow, with old friends. I miss not being judge for anything I do or say. It feels good to remember how I used to be with them. I can laugh like there’s no tomorrow. I can rant and whine forever like kid. I can dance & sing with them forever. Take pictures every move we make. I’m missing the honesty & trust. They can tell me how stupid I am or I am changing so badly, and still accept and stick with me. Friends who won’t take for granted and won’t take my misjudgements, mistakes and weaknesses against me. And they can tell me I can get through the toughest time.

For 2 decades, life was never fair, but who needs a fair life when I have friends with me. I owe so much from them. Love, trust, honesty & respect.  These are just some of the values I gained from them and will truly cherish forever. I feel blessed that these people, never judge me for who I am or who I become. Despite of all the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I have, they never took it against me. They embraced everything in me, bits by bits, just like a normal family does.

Having friends like mine doesn’t just happen to anyone. Yeah, that’s how I proud friend I am. And I couldn’t ask for more. ♡