prisoner of time

wow. i wrote this blod last year. hahaha.

God only knows the last time I fell in love or I felt I was loved by someone. It's always tragic when I fall in love, felt like I was jinxed to love the wrong person or at the wrong time. It hurts even more, all of them had moved on and I'm still stuck here with myself, alone. I'm constant failure whenever I tried to look for someone who would need me as much I need him. I don't understand what's wrong. Before the friendship even start I already lost him. Is it me? The way I look? The way I talk? Express myself? Am I intimidating? Or my attitude overwhelms people? Am I being too pushy? It pains me, especially now I know I'm ready for a relationship. I'm not getting any younger. I want to love someone and I want him to love me. I want to get hurt because I'm in love. I wanted to sacrifice things for him and him for me. I wanted to learn from him and he would learn things from me, and because those of things he would love me among anything else. I wanted to feel those kilig moments and spent the night talking to him. I wanted to wake up smiling, thinking the things we talked about the night before and start a conversation all over again. I wanted to be selfless for that special person. I wanted to find another best friend, brother, shopping buddy, text mate, chat mate, protector, and family in him. I wanted to find myself in him. Unfortunately, something doesn't permit me to do these things. Lately, fate is not giving in with me. I've been praying so hard for someone. But no matter how I pray, hope and try to see myself with someone, I always end up being alone.

Sometimes, I think I'm not good enough. How come other people easily find someone else? And there are people who easily give up with their relationship? It saddens me a lot, to see people let the relationship break apart. These thoughts have been bothering me for a quite a while now. It's not just the longing but the agony of waiting. It's easy for people to say, your time will come for the right guy. It's not easy to wait while everyday you face the bigger and tougher world alone. I'm not as strong as everyone think. I cry alone. Not showing to everyone how weak and vulnerable I am, because I'm trying very hard to avoid pitying myself not just for being alone but for being in this situation. Stuck, alone, prisoner.

I'm tired of saying happiness is a choice. I don't even understand how can I give advice to friends, where am I getting those pieces of advice, when I don't even feel those feelings. Now I know I'm not happy. I'm ok, I'm good but I'm not happy. Everything has been an entire routine for me. After this blog, I'll be in church thanking God for hell week that had passed, praying for so many things, praying the someday you'll come for me. And the next morning, I'll be waiting again, until to the next day, and next day and until to next lifetime. Very tiring...  

i missed the most

I love browsing old pictures, friends’ birthdays, fiestas, graduations, JS proms, reunions and even break-up reunions. I always end up smiling and laughing while looking at those. It talks about a lot of stories and memories of history I made with old friends. Thank God for pictures, memories are still vivid and I can still look back and reminisce with those treasured memories. This hobby of taking back to the past, never fails to make me miss my old friends so so so bad. Finding time to be with them is such an effort.  Sometimes seeing them twice or thrice a year has been a luxury. Good thing, we treasure every millisecond we’re together. Took pictures like it’s the first time we took our pictures together. Every time we see each other time flies so fast, before we know it we’re headed back to our own routines. It is always “bitin” to our endless stories and “chikas”.

I wish I can travel back to the old days. The old times I don’t worry much about tomorrow. Matapos lang ang isang exam or quiz, may it be all kinds of paper, thesis or activity, that means celebration already. I miss the old times, when I laugh & cry, feel happy & sad, face and withstand problems, start and grow, with old friends. I miss not being judge for anything I do or say. It feels good to remember how I used to be with them. I can laugh like there’s no tomorrow. I can rant and whine forever like kid. I can dance & sing with them forever. Take pictures every move we make. I’m missing the honesty & trust. They can tell me how stupid I am or I am changing so badly, and still accept and stick with me. Friends who won’t take for granted and won’t take my misjudgements, mistakes and weaknesses against me. And they can tell me I can get through the toughest time.

For 2 decades, life was never fair, but who needs a fair life when I have friends with me. I owe so much from them. Love, trust, honesty & respect.  These are just some of the values I gained from them and will truly cherish forever. I feel blessed that these people, never judge me for who I am or who I become. Despite of all the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I have, they never took it against me. They embraced everything in me, bits by bits, just like a normal family does.

Having friends like mine doesn’t just happen to anyone. Yeah, that’s how I proud friend I am. And I couldn’t ask for more. ♡